Today Strawberry sent me a text asking to be taken to the local Behavioral Health Center or BHC. My fifteen year old daughter asked me to commit her. My feelings are all over the map. I'm scared. I'm confused. I am rethinking everything. What kind of parent am I? Am I a good parent? She asked me to take her, I didn't commit her against her will.
She had expressed "suicidal idiation", SI for short. Last night while arguing about her grades I asked her what her plans were for after high school. She repeated "I don't know" but I pressed her. Telling her that was not an answer. Exasperated she said, "I guess I'll kill myself after high school". I feel guilty because I rolled my eyes and sighed at her mention of suicide. I had heard this talk since she was a very young child. As a preschooler and kindergartner she was mostly a charming and agreeable child but there were times when she was different. It happens when she has reached the end of her rope. There was a time when she was in First or Second Grade and she was sitting at the dinning room table. She was supposed to be doing her homework. She kept coming up with other things to do. She was hungry, she had a snack. She had to go to the bathroom. She was tired. She put her head down and feigned sleeping at the table.I was so angry I yelled and put her in time-out. I was furious. I told her Mommy needs a time-out also. She was crying, obviously. She began to hyperventilate and rock back and forth. Then she began to say, "Mommy! I want my Mommy!" Her voice sounded so tortured, so in pain. I came running. I held her as she rocked and repeated the phrase. I told her I was here and I loved her and she was safe and I sang her songs. Eventually, she calmed down. It was as if she didn't know where I was. She was lost and I couldn't help her.
Another time she shouted down the stairs at me, "Maybe I should just kill myself" (She wasn't even in Junior High yet. Puberty was several years off) I told her Psychiatrist he adjusted her medications sometimes but didn't seem too worried about the comments. His remarks lead me to believe that while she needed medication she was also very dramatic.
And so it was, that several years later when she talks of suicide, again, and asked to be taken to the behavior health center, I roll my eyes. I tried to express to her as best I could what being committed would entail. I offered to take her that night. She said no. I thought we were done. That was last night.
Then this afternoon she sent me a text asking me to take her. I told her to got to the school counselor and I would call the BHC and find out what to do. I also called the school counselor myself and explained the situation. Before we were off the phone the kid was in the counselor's office. I called the BHC and after several questions it was decided that I would bring her in.I did. At 3:00pm this afternoon we had an intake interview. By 6:30pm I was going back home to get her some clothes, schoolwork, a pillow, a blanket and a couple stuffed animals. I didn't want to leaver her but I want her to get better.
I don't want her to live in such pain.
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